Denying myself for 30 years had an unfortunate side effect; I quit caring about living. I wasn’t suicidal as such (at least not after the early years,) but I stopped giving a crap about my health. I suppose my fundamental thought was that there was no point in a long life if you have to live it alone, to never know really being in love and having a relationship with another guy.
As a consequence I put on quite a few pounds over the years, peaking at 310 lbs., although I have dropped about 30 lbs. or so since then. I am fairly tall (6’3″) so I can hide a few extra pounds, but 300+ is hard to disguise. Being overweight made it easy to adopt an even more sedentary lifestyle, so I also lost a lot of muscle tone over the years. Other than groaning when getting my fat butt out of the recliner, I didn’t really care. If anything, my being out of shape was an additional defense mechanism; if I didn’t find myself attractive I’d be less tempted to try to hook up with another guy, since I’m attracted to toned, athletic builds.
Now that I’ve accepted myself, I find that I have a renewed interest in life after all these years. Unfortunately, I’m still an overweight, out of shape blob.
Fortunately, there is a community gym in town that is very reasonable and has good extended hours. I’ve become a lazy bugger at the best of times, so the idea of dragging my butt out of bed and off to the gym on a regular basis is a bit daunting, but I’m also a bit excited over the idea of finally getting into shape. Fortunately, my brother used to belong to the same gym a few years ago, before he moved out of the area, and he used to go all the time with his best friend from high school. Jim hasn’t been going there since Pete moved, but he jumped at the idea of meeting me there on a regular basis when I asked him. I haven’t been in a gym, to speak of, since my Army days – long, long ago – so it will be nice to be able to work out with someone who already knows how to use the equipment, and the commitment to meet him there will give me an additional incentive to get up and do it.
I’m actually looking forward to going to the gym. Will wonders never cease? Who knows – if I get into shape I might finally develop an interest in clothes beyond “does it fit?”