9 Dead Gay Guys (2002)

9 Dead Gay Guys

9 Dead Gay Guys, a hysterically funny British comedy, has quickly become one of my favorite movies. It’s about a couple of Irishmen living in London who get caught up in a treasure hunt centering around London’s gay world.

The story starts with the unannounced arrival of Kenny (Glen Mulhern) in London to see his old mate from Ireland, Byron (Brendan Mackey.) Byron had been spinning tales of how the streets of London were “paved with gold,” and Kenny has come there expecting Byron to help him get lucrative employment. Unfortunately, Byron is “a lazy bugger at the best of times” (as he himself admits,) and Kenny quickly discovers that Byron has been living on welfare (“giro“) and making extra money for his booze (Black Death Vodka) by blowing rich gay guys in a posh Gay club.  Byron consider blowing guys for money to be  “legitimate lucrative work”) and he supplements that by picking pockets while blowing guys in the pitch dark backroom at a seedier gay bar (which Byron calls “illegitimate lucrative work.”) Byron keeps claiming that he isn’t gay, and that it isn’t really gay sex if you’re just blowing guys for money, rather than for pleasure.  As he tells Kenny, “After all, it’s not anal, arsehole, shitter, sphincter, bum-bandit, butt-fucker, penetrative type sex.”

Kenny is initially shocked by what Byron has been doing, and wants nothing to do with it himself, but he has a change of mind when he realizes that he doesn’t want to end up as just another penniless Paddy drunk and starving on the streets of London. I love the scene when Kenny decides to give in and follows rich client Jeff into the bathroom at the club, to the strains of Fats Domino singing “Blueberry Hill.” Once Kenny decides to engage in the “legitimate lucrative work,” however, he starts getting into it.  Unfortunately, the various gay guys that have been paying them all start dropping dead for one reason or another, and desperate for money Byron and Kenny soon find themselves on a quest to get the legendary “Bread in the Bed.”

Dead Gay Guy No. 1 was known as “The Queen,” and had been the lover of the mysterious Golders Green, whom no one really knew anything about except that he lived somewhere in Golders Green, a posh, discrete London neighborhood. The Golders Green is an orthodox Jew who is believed to be very rich, and the legend is that he keeps all his money in his bed, “the Biggest Bed in all the world.” When The Queen gets electrocuted by a cattle prod (a “5th class offensive weapon”), everyone assumes that the killer also stole the money out of Golders Green’s bed. Kenny and Byron decide to hunt for the killer and get the money for themselves.

The movie is funny as hell and moves along at a brisk pace.  Brendan Mackey’s narration is hilarious and droll, and Glen Mulhern is so damned adorable as the frequently confused and disturbed Kenny.  I love the goofy character names (like Donkey-Dick Dirk and Dick-cheese Deepak, the cab driver,) and the absurd dialogue, with exchanges such as this:

“Kenny – are you gay?”

“No – no, I’m not gay, Byron. It’s the same as having sex with a woman, except it’s a man. And anyway it’s work, legitimate lucrative work, you said so yourself.”

Work, Kenny? You shagged the guy to death. I don’t think you quite grasp the severity of the situation here. The perv bugger’s dead. And it’s still not yet giro week.”

And we mustn’t forget the Desperate Dwarf, who can’t find anyone who will let him fuck them, because not only is he only three and a half feet tall, but he also only has a three and a half inch willy. That poor, little bugger is really desperate.

One possible drawback to this movie might be that some Americans could have a hard time following some of Byron and Kenny’s conversation if they aren’t used to Irish accents and slang. I didn’t have much trouble understanding them, although I did have to look up giro (welfare payments,) but I’ve been a fan of British (and Irish) comedy ever since I first discovered Monty Python back in the early 1970s, and I’ve gotten used to the various dialects.

I heartily recommend this movie for anyone who enjoys adult British comedy, with their dry, slightly twisted, sense of humor.

My Rating: 10 out of 10 stars

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"Dunrobin MacDhai" is a name I picked for myself decades ago, when I was in the SCA, in tribute to my Scots heritage. I always liked the Scottish name Dunrobin, and MacDhai is a Gaelic variation on my family's Clan name. I am a gay man in my sixties who finally accepted himself and came back out of the closet after more than 30 years of celibacy. A lover of Liberty, I am an anarchist and do not believe in the myth of "authority", whether it's the "State" or organized religion.

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